Sunday evening

It's Sunday evening and I'm sitting here with my new laptop and watching TV with Jamie. Poor guy has a cold, and has been cooped up in the house all weekend, as it's SO cold here.

I have been bugged by something all day. Yesterday I went to check my email and found that my mom's group had had a big squabble and two ladies have left. There's been drama off and on since our inception but I have never let it bother me to the point where I would lose sleep over it. But I did last night.

I fail to understand why everyone can't get along. Why be so defensive? Why be mean? For Pete's sake, we've known one another for nearly three years. One of our members has been very quiet for weeks, then she comes on and posts a spiteful note about how no one cares since no one asked her if she was accepted into school. She found out the week before that she HAD got in... I told her that she should tell the group but she didn't. It was almost as if she were testing everyone. In the other group we belong to, she told everyone when they were sending letters out, and when she heard. I hated the fact that she gave the members of our group so little credit, thinking that they simply didn't care rather than the truth... which was they simply didn't know and trusted her to tell them important news like that.

There were those in our group that started not trusting her a long time ago. They found out information about her, and passed it among everyone else in private emails without the benefit of confronting her directly. There were also a few people that started a new group, that didn't include this gal. Someone told her. Why, I don't know. But I do know that it was mean spirited.

I almost feel silly for writing this all down. It makes me feel stupid to be wrapped up in this to the point of letting it bother me once I log off my computer. I do though.

I have to think that if I had more friends in real life that it wouldn't bother me as much. These were my thoughts today as I was driving to church, and I told Angie about it. As I was telling her, I had a revelation that I am lonely. Jamie and I have been getting along a lot better lately and I do have him to talk to. I also have my sister and my mom, whom I talk to on the phone every day. But I don't have many friends that I talk to daily.

All my friends I went to school with have moved away. I no longer run with my running group, so have lost out on those friendships. I can go in to work and not talk to a single other person all day long. I don't go to church as much as I would like and I don't go to Bible study with my girlfriends there. I saw a friend of mine today and it looked like she was pregnant. In order for me to actually be able to tell, she'd have to be at least a few months along. I couldn't believe that she was that far along and I hadn't talked to her. Even if she isn't pregnant, I don't know for sure because I don't talk to her anymore.

I don't know if this is something I can fix right away. I work all day, come home and hang out with my family. That's what is most important to me. I don't want to leave after I get home, because I get so little time with Avery and Asher as it is. By the time they go to bed, it's late and I'm tired or working on a lecture. I have no time to run, or do anything that I like to do. I feel like I've lost myself, and spent today missing some of the times when I did have more time to do things I like to do.

Tomorrow is a work holiday. I don't have to work tomorrow, but am going to go in to the office to write Tuesday's lecture so I don't have to work on it Tuesday. If I'm lucky I'll get some of Thursday's done too. I've also been asked to write a few articles. Twenty altogether, for which I'll get paid $300. Money is tight, and this should pay for a couple weeks of daycare, so I need to finish that before the deadline of the 23rd.

Jamie's hoping for snow so he doesn't have to work. I'm hoping for warmer weather so I can get outside and 'get the stink blown off me,' as my grandpa would say.