Nice weekend

We had a nice weekend! Saturday we went to the Heritage Festival with Sunny and Reagan. There were lots of things there that the kids liked and we had fun walking around looking at things. They especially liked the animals and the guy with the whip. :) Afterwards we went to McDonald's for lunch, then home and naps and a nice dinner. Everyone was in a good mood! I went to the grocery store during naptime, and Aldi's (I was amazed at all the food I got there for $40!). Sunday I cooked all day. Jamie and I decided that the kids do better in the evenings if we eat early, and when I cook the whole meal when I get home from work we don't eat until closer to 6. So, I prepped a bunch of stuff (4 meatloafs, 5# chicken breasts cut into strips, several pks of pork chops and roasts, spaghetti sauce, cabbage and beef, chickpeas, rice and taco meat) so hopefully he can thaw it out and start dinner. I was so tired on Sunday after all that cooking- I think I was in the kitchen for 4 hours.

Good weekend

We had a good weekend here in Millersburg, MO. I ran in a 5k race on Saturday morning. I placed first in my age group (out of both of us!), but came in about 10 seconds slower than last year. I ran with my friend Dana and had a nice time. After I came home Sunny and I took all four kids to a Parents as Teachers sponsored do-dad in Fulton. It was in a local elem school's gym and the kids all had a fun time. It was better than playing outside, because it was a really rainy day. After naps, we went to Noel's fourth birthday party. It was a really nice little party, and even Jamie came. Saturday night into Sunday morning it was very rainy. Hurricane Ike came through and dumped about 7 inches of rain on us. Sunday I spent most of the day cleaning house because we had an open house. But, no one showed up. At least I have a clean house, I guess. We got to play outside a little yesterday evening. The kids loved finding worms and playing with them. Poor, poor worms. Asher loved on one particular worm a little too much and ended up stomping it to death. Avery's potty training is going well. She is still not pooping in the potty very much. Yesterday I told her if she pooped in the potty that I would bake her a cake. I left (for privacy, of course- she insists) and a minute later hear "mommy, I pooped! I want cake!" I went in there to see the tiniest poop in the world. I hated to break it to her that I wanted to see a "big one" poop. I got a message on my phone at work today. It was Avery informing me that she did a big one poop in the potty all by herself and that she had earned her cake. :) Funny... Jamie said that before he put the kids in the tub today that he was using the toilet, and Avery informed him that he deserved for me to bake him a cake too! LOL! I told made-up stories to Avery last night, and it was so fun. She was interacting and really engaged. At one point I was talking about a snake and she said that snakes were scary. So, I went and got my fuzziest softest sock and put it on my hand and pretended it was the snake. Pretty soon she had one on too and we were kissing with the snakes.

Bad day!

I had a really rough evening yesterday. It seems I spend all day at work thinking of my family and wishing I were home with them. I look forward to coming home and getting hugs and kisses- but yesterday that didn't happen (it often doesn't). I opened the door and Asher just looked at me, and wandered away. Both kids were whining and generally unhappy before dinner- and then at dinner Avery decides she doesn't want to eat and throws a fit. Nice dinner. We go downstairs and things are okay at first. I'm hanging out with the kids and Jamie is on the computer and Asher falls and hits his head. I picked him up to comfort him and he squirmed until I let him go- then he runs to Jamie. So, I just go upstairs to get cups of milk for bedtime and no one wants me to put them to bed. I try to get Avery to let me read to her, but she got really upset when I pushed one of the buttons on the book because SHE wanted to do it- then started crying I want my daddy. THIS ISN'T THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE! I am supposed to be the one that comforts my kids. The one they come to when they want to be held. I spend half of my time in my own house feeling like I don't belong there. I'm certainly not needed. I don't feel like I belong at work either, because I want to belong home. It is a very lost, frustrated feeling and some days it gets to me. On the upside, when Jamie came into Avery's room to read to her I went into my room and shut the door. I was crying and Avery came in and told me I wub you mommy and came to give me a kiss. I picked her up and she asked me if I was sad. I told her I was, because I don't get to spend much time with her every day and I want the time we do spend together to be special. I don't want her to be yelling and be angry with me. Then I told her that I loved reading to her each night and I was sad that she got so angry with me and asked for daddy, because daddy gets to spend all day with her and I don't. Then she said to me, mommy you can read my dragon book to me if you want. That made me smile and I gave her a hug and told her I would love to. Then she said Mommy, you happy now? It really warmed my heart to see that glimpse of empathy in her. I realize that with me being the one to work and Jamie the one that has to stay home that this is likely the way it's going to be. I can't expect the kids to know to switch from daddy mode to mommy mode at 5pm every day. And 5pm is nearing the end of the day and they're hungry and probably just a little tired. That makes them whiny- and it's always been like that. Asher can't talk much yet so gets VERY angry when he has things taken away from him, or something doesn't work his way (like when he can't get the top on a bottle), which makes it hard to reason with him like I can Avery. But, knowing that's the way it is and is going to be and feeling that it's right and being okay with it are both really difficult to me. I am at a place in my life right now where nothing seems like it should be. We are in debt, so our house is for sale and I don't want to sell it. I enjoy my job but wish I made enough so that things were easier for us. I want Jamie to get a job but am afraid that if he gets one it won't be there for long and both of us will be jobless. We did that once this year and it's no fun. At all. I hate that I sit at work all day wishing I were home and Jamie sits at home all day wishing he had a job. I don't mind Donny living in our house as much as I thought I would, mostly because I think he is being really helpful to Jamie while I'm at work all day. But, I did like things much better when he was gone. I am starting to run again, but it's slow and my feet always hurt. I have to get up and run up and down our neighborhood roads so many times just to get a half hour run in. It's dark, lonely and boring. I'm not losing weight like I'd like to. I don't go to church like I want to. Nothing seems right. Anyway-- I'm having one hella pity party for myself today, aren't I?! LOL! Well, today is Friday and I love Fridays because I get to spend the weekend with my kids- whether they care or not! ;)

I made it!

Before I left today Avery told me to be careful not to go peepee in my big girl panties when I was at work. Well, I'm ready to leave my office and I made it all day without peeing my pants. Ha! I woke up this morning because of a really bad dream I had of Asher. It had my adrenaline going so I never did go back to sleep, so I've been up since 345 this morning. I did get up and run at 515 though, so at least I made something of it. I imagine I'll crash off my caffeine high here pretty quickly. I just talked to the director of chemical services here at work. I've been dropping hints to him and our sales director about Jamie's not having a job. I am sort of hoping they could find something here for him to do. Jon asked me if Jamie was starting to search outside the area. When I told him yes, he said that he was going to do my yearly performance evaluation after 6 months (which would be Jan), then readjust my pay. He asked what I made at USGS (which is about 15k more than I make here) and he said he would try to get close to that because they really don't want to lose me! And, if I meet all the goals they've laid out for starting the AMA studies I'll get a cash bonus at the end of the year. I'm so freakin' happy! We need this so much!

Avery and her pony

Avery came into my bedroom at about 6 on Sunday morning. I usually get up and get her a cup of milk, make coffee, then hang out in bed with her til Asher wakes up. I was so tired that morning, though. When she asked for milk, I said “honey, can you please wait just a few minutes… mommy’s so tired.” She said okay and waited another 10 minutes or so, then asked me again. I said the same thing. She must have asked three or four more times, being so patient each time I asked her to wait again. After about an hour, I was finally waking up a little more. I rolled over and Avery asked “mommy, are you tired?” I said, “yes, I’m tired this morning.” She said “are you going to get some coffee?’ I said, “yes, I think I’ll go make some coffee.” She paused, and then said… “will you get me some milk?” I got her milk for her, and was drinking coffee and she asked me if she could pet a pony. I have no idea where that came from, so I asked her to repeat it. She did, and said that she wanted to buy a pony. So, I asked her where we would keep it. In the house, she said. Where would it sleep? In Asher's chair, she said. What would it eat? Grass, she said. I guess she did have it all figured out! :)

Labor day

Today was Labor day and I had the day off. We went to the splash garden at Stephens Park and let the kids get wet. They had a great time! Sunny and I had been there with the kids, but it was nice to have Jamie with us. That evening we had a cookout and had Sunny and Reagan and Alex over, and Jesse, Allison, and Maddie, and Mary and Derek Beck. It was very nice- we built a bonfire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows.