Bad day!

I had a really rough evening yesterday. It seems I spend all day at work thinking of my family and wishing I were home with them. I look forward to coming home and getting hugs and kisses- but yesterday that didn't happen (it often doesn't). I opened the door and Asher just looked at me, and wandered away. Both kids were whining and generally unhappy before dinner- and then at dinner Avery decides she doesn't want to eat and throws a fit. Nice dinner. We go downstairs and things are okay at first. I'm hanging out with the kids and Jamie is on the computer and Asher falls and hits his head. I picked him up to comfort him and he squirmed until I let him go- then he runs to Jamie. So, I just go upstairs to get cups of milk for bedtime and no one wants me to put them to bed. I try to get Avery to let me read to her, but she got really upset when I pushed one of the buttons on the book because SHE wanted to do it- then started crying I want my daddy. THIS ISN'T THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE! I am supposed to be the one that comforts my kids. The one they come to when they want to be held. I spend half of my time in my own house feeling like I don't belong there. I'm certainly not needed. I don't feel like I belong at work either, because I want to belong home. It is a very lost, frustrated feeling and some days it gets to me. On the upside, when Jamie came into Avery's room to read to her I went into my room and shut the door. I was crying and Avery came in and told me I wub you mommy and came to give me a kiss. I picked her up and she asked me if I was sad. I told her I was, because I don't get to spend much time with her every day and I want the time we do spend together to be special. I don't want her to be yelling and be angry with me. Then I told her that I loved reading to her each night and I was sad that she got so angry with me and asked for daddy, because daddy gets to spend all day with her and I don't. Then she said to me, mommy you can read my dragon book to me if you want. That made me smile and I gave her a hug and told her I would love to. Then she said Mommy, you happy now? It really warmed my heart to see that glimpse of empathy in her. I realize that with me being the one to work and Jamie the one that has to stay home that this is likely the way it's going to be. I can't expect the kids to know to switch from daddy mode to mommy mode at 5pm every day. And 5pm is nearing the end of the day and they're hungry and probably just a little tired. That makes them whiny- and it's always been like that. Asher can't talk much yet so gets VERY angry when he has things taken away from him, or something doesn't work his way (like when he can't get the top on a bottle), which makes it hard to reason with him like I can Avery. But, knowing that's the way it is and is going to be and feeling that it's right and being okay with it are both really difficult to me. I am at a place in my life right now where nothing seems like it should be. We are in debt, so our house is for sale and I don't want to sell it. I enjoy my job but wish I made enough so that things were easier for us. I want Jamie to get a job but am afraid that if he gets one it won't be there for long and both of us will be jobless. We did that once this year and it's no fun. At all. I hate that I sit at work all day wishing I were home and Jamie sits at home all day wishing he had a job. I don't mind Donny living in our house as much as I thought I would, mostly because I think he is being really helpful to Jamie while I'm at work all day. But, I did like things much better when he was gone. I am starting to run again, but it's slow and my feet always hurt. I have to get up and run up and down our neighborhood roads so many times just to get a half hour run in. It's dark, lonely and boring. I'm not losing weight like I'd like to. I don't go to church like I want to. Nothing seems right. Anyway-- I'm having one hella pity party for myself today, aren't I?! LOL! Well, today is Friday and I love Fridays because I get to spend the weekend with my kids- whether they care or not! ;)