Bad day!

I had a really rough evening yesterday. It seems I spend all day at work thinking of my family and wishing I were home with them. I look forward to coming home and getting hugs and kisses- but yesterday that didn't happen (it often doesn't). I opened the door and Asher just looked at me, and wandered away. Both kids were whining and generally unhappy before dinner- and then at dinner Avery decides she doesn't want to eat and throws a fit. Nice dinner. We go downstairs and things are okay at first. I'm hanging out with the kids and Jamie is on the computer and Asher falls and hits his head. I picked him up to comfort him and he squirmed until I let him go- then he runs to Jamie. So, I just go upstairs to get cups of milk for bedtime and no one wants me to put them to bed. I try to get Avery to let me read to her, but she got really upset when I pushed one of the buttons on the book because SHE wanted to do it- then started crying I want my daddy. THIS ISN'T THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE! I am supposed to be the one that comforts my kids. The one they come to when they want to be held. I spend half of my time in my own house feeling like I don't belong there. I'm certainly not needed. I don't feel like I belong at work either, because I want to belong home. It is a very lost, frustrated feeling and some days it gets to me. On the upside, when Jamie came into Avery's room to read to her I went into my room and shut the door. I was crying and Avery came in and told me I wub you mommy and came to give me a kiss. I picked her up and she asked me if I was sad. I told her I was, because I don't get to spend much time with her every day and I want the time we do spend together to be special. I don't want her to be yelling and be angry with me. Then I told her that I loved reading to her each night and I was sad that she got so angry with me and asked for daddy, because daddy gets to spend all day with her and I don't. Then she said to me, mommy you can read my dragon book to me if you want. That made me smile and I gave her a hug and told her I would love to. Then she said Mommy, you happy now? It really warmed my heart to see that glimpse of empathy in her. I realize that with me being the one to work and Jamie the one that has to stay home that this is likely the way it's going to be. I can't expect the kids to know to switch from daddy mode to mommy mode at 5pm every day. And 5pm is nearing the end of the day and they're hungry and probably just a little tired. That makes them whiny- and it's always been like that. Asher can't talk much yet so gets VERY angry when he has things taken away from him, or something doesn't work his way (like when he can't get the top on a bottle), which makes it hard to reason with him like I can Avery. But, knowing that's the way it is and is going to be and feeling that it's right and being okay with it are both really difficult to me. I am at a place in my life right now where nothing seems like it should be. We are in debt, so our house is for sale and I don't want to sell it. I enjoy my job but wish I made enough so that things were easier for us. I want Jamie to get a job but am afraid that if he gets one it won't be there for long and both of us will be jobless. We did that once this year and it's no fun. At all. I hate that I sit at work all day wishing I were home and Jamie sits at home all day wishing he had a job. I don't mind Donny living in our house as much as I thought I would, mostly because I think he is being really helpful to Jamie while I'm at work all day. But, I did like things much better when he was gone. I am starting to run again, but it's slow and my feet always hurt. I have to get up and run up and down our neighborhood roads so many times just to get a half hour run in. It's dark, lonely and boring. I'm not losing weight like I'd like to. I don't go to church like I want to. Nothing seems right. Anyway-- I'm having one hella pity party for myself today, aren't I?! LOL! Well, today is Friday and I love Fridays because I get to spend the weekend with my kids- whether they care or not! ;)

I made it!

Before I left today Avery told me to be careful not to go peepee in my big girl panties when I was at work. Well, I'm ready to leave my office and I made it all day without peeing my pants. Ha! I woke up this morning because of a really bad dream I had of Asher. It had my adrenaline going so I never did go back to sleep, so I've been up since 345 this morning. I did get up and run at 515 though, so at least I made something of it. I imagine I'll crash off my caffeine high here pretty quickly. I just talked to the director of chemical services here at work. I've been dropping hints to him and our sales director about Jamie's not having a job. I am sort of hoping they could find something here for him to do. Jon asked me if Jamie was starting to search outside the area. When I told him yes, he said that he was going to do my yearly performance evaluation after 6 months (which would be Jan), then readjust my pay. He asked what I made at USGS (which is about 15k more than I make here) and he said he would try to get close to that because they really don't want to lose me! And, if I meet all the goals they've laid out for starting the AMA studies I'll get a cash bonus at the end of the year. I'm so freakin' happy! We need this so much!

Avery and her pony

Avery came into my bedroom at about 6 on Sunday morning. I usually get up and get her a cup of milk, make coffee, then hang out in bed with her til Asher wakes up. I was so tired that morning, though. When she asked for milk, I said “honey, can you please wait just a few minutes… mommy’s so tired.” She said okay and waited another 10 minutes or so, then asked me again. I said the same thing. She must have asked three or four more times, being so patient each time I asked her to wait again. After about an hour, I was finally waking up a little more. I rolled over and Avery asked “mommy, are you tired?” I said, “yes, I’m tired this morning.” She said “are you going to get some coffee?’ I said, “yes, I think I’ll go make some coffee.” She paused, and then said… “will you get me some milk?” I got her milk for her, and was drinking coffee and she asked me if she could pet a pony. I have no idea where that came from, so I asked her to repeat it. She did, and said that she wanted to buy a pony. So, I asked her where we would keep it. In the house, she said. Where would it sleep? In Asher's chair, she said. What would it eat? Grass, she said. I guess she did have it all figured out! :)

Labor day

Today was Labor day and I had the day off. We went to the splash garden at Stephens Park and let the kids get wet. They had a great time! Sunny and I had been there with the kids, but it was nice to have Jamie with us. That evening we had a cookout and had Sunny and Reagan and Alex over, and Jesse, Allison, and Maddie, and Mary and Derek Beck. It was very nice- we built a bonfire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows.

Sunday evening

It's Sunday evening and I'm sitting here with my new laptop and watching TV with Jamie. Poor guy has a cold, and has been cooped up in the house all weekend, as it's SO cold here.

I have been bugged by something all day. Yesterday I went to check my email and found that my mom's group had had a big squabble and two ladies have left. There's been drama off and on since our inception but I have never let it bother me to the point where I would lose sleep over it. But I did last night.

I fail to understand why everyone can't get along. Why be so defensive? Why be mean? For Pete's sake, we've known one another for nearly three years. One of our members has been very quiet for weeks, then she comes on and posts a spiteful note about how no one cares since no one asked her if she was accepted into school. She found out the week before that she HAD got in... I told her that she should tell the group but she didn't. It was almost as if she were testing everyone. In the other group we belong to, she told everyone when they were sending letters out, and when she heard. I hated the fact that she gave the members of our group so little credit, thinking that they simply didn't care rather than the truth... which was they simply didn't know and trusted her to tell them important news like that.

There were those in our group that started not trusting her a long time ago. They found out information about her, and passed it among everyone else in private emails without the benefit of confronting her directly. There were also a few people that started a new group, that didn't include this gal. Someone told her. Why, I don't know. But I do know that it was mean spirited.

I almost feel silly for writing this all down. It makes me feel stupid to be wrapped up in this to the point of letting it bother me once I log off my computer. I do though.

I have to think that if I had more friends in real life that it wouldn't bother me as much. These were my thoughts today as I was driving to church, and I told Angie about it. As I was telling her, I had a revelation that I am lonely. Jamie and I have been getting along a lot better lately and I do have him to talk to. I also have my sister and my mom, whom I talk to on the phone every day. But I don't have many friends that I talk to daily.

All my friends I went to school with have moved away. I no longer run with my running group, so have lost out on those friendships. I can go in to work and not talk to a single other person all day long. I don't go to church as much as I would like and I don't go to Bible study with my girlfriends there. I saw a friend of mine today and it looked like she was pregnant. In order for me to actually be able to tell, she'd have to be at least a few months along. I couldn't believe that she was that far along and I hadn't talked to her. Even if she isn't pregnant, I don't know for sure because I don't talk to her anymore.

I don't know if this is something I can fix right away. I work all day, come home and hang out with my family. That's what is most important to me. I don't want to leave after I get home, because I get so little time with Avery and Asher as it is. By the time they go to bed, it's late and I'm tired or working on a lecture. I have no time to run, or do anything that I like to do. I feel like I've lost myself, and spent today missing some of the times when I did have more time to do things I like to do.

Tomorrow is a work holiday. I don't have to work tomorrow, but am going to go in to the office to write Tuesday's lecture so I don't have to work on it Tuesday. If I'm lucky I'll get some of Thursday's done too. I've also been asked to write a few articles. Twenty altogether, for which I'll get paid $300. Money is tight, and this should pay for a couple weeks of daycare, so I need to finish that before the deadline of the 23rd.

Jamie's hoping for snow so he doesn't have to work. I'm hoping for warmer weather so I can get outside and 'get the stink blown off me,' as my grandpa would say.

Hectic poem

I discovered yesterday that Asher now has three teeth!  He is crawling and climbing everywhere.  Wherever he is, he wants to be somewhere else.  He wants to walk so badly!  He will go through these yoga-like poses where he'll get on his hands and feet, then lift a hand into the air.  I was surprised a couple mornings ago to find him standing in his crib when I went in there to get him.  Now he does that every morning.

Our days are so hectic, I thought I'd write a poem about them...
Hectic mornings warming milk
Grumpiness I try to bilk
Binkies, blankets, sippy cup
Burp cloth covered with spit up

Poopy diaper, dirty bib
Babbles coming from the crib
Get them dressed from head to toe
Load the car and off we go

Cooking meals and serving dinner
Hit or miss which one's a winner
Flinging food and apple juice
On my floor make a slippery sluice

Playtime, snuggles, bubble baths
Man and wife just crossing paths
Stories, bedtime, brushing teeth
Eight p.m. sure brings relief

Midnight diaper changes galore
Please end soon, I do implore
Wake up early, start again
Where do I even begin

Can't drink coffee because caffeine
Will wire baby and ruin routine
Each day starts off so bleary eyed
Was it just last night I sat and cried?

So tired that I can't think straight
I don't realize until too late
The first of today's many mistakes
I just poured orange juice on my corn flakes

November 8, 2007

It's already Thursday.  How do some weeks pass by so quickly, and others go so slowly when each has the same number of hours?  I'm fighting a cold, hard.  I think I feel better than I did yesterday... it's such a tiny bit better, if is indeed better, that I still feel like crap.

We are all anxiously awaiting Leone's visit on Saturday.  She hasn't seen Avery since she was Asher's age, and has never met Asher.  I don't work on Monday, so will have that day off to spend with her and everyone.  I was looking forward to a ME day... and I might still be able to do something fun... but I have to make room for the possibility it won't happen.

Jamie is taking Donald today to sign up for the Job Corp.  I'm so thankful Donald reconsidered.  I think it's going to be the ONE thing that changes the direction of his life for the better.  That, and he'll be out of the house.. which is something I think ALL of us want at this point.  This morning was typical.  We all woke up early and Jamie and I did a dance for about 30  minutes which includes washing and filling bottles and breastpump, packing up kids' bags, my gym bag, my lunch, getting the kids changed, dressed and fed and getting everything gathered (shoes, blankets, binkies, jackets...) and packed up in the car by 7.  Donny just stands there watching all the havoc he created by getting kicked off the school bus, and all I can imagine is him sitting there with all this control enjoying it.  I have to try really hard not to let it bother me because otherwise it could really start my day off poorly.

Still no sure thing on my job.  I am having to work to get this grant proposal written by 30 November.  My job here depends on not only getting it submitted, but getting it funded.  I have no idea how to go about doing that, and it freaks me out.  I have an application in at Westminster and heard yesterday that I made the first cut, and may be invited for an interview.  I also talked to Joe yesterday about the possibility of my working for the Regional office.  That is the job I'd like.  I would be doing something entirely different than what I am doing now, have a permanent position (finally) and be getting paid more.  With these three irons in the fire, I have to think that by the time my contract here runs out in March that I'll be employed SOMEwhere.

The kids... what are they up to?  Well, yesterday I walked into the living room to find Asher standing up along the fireplace.  Little turkey pulled himself up- only a couple weeks after beginning to crawl.  The past few days have been hard for me because he seems to want to go to bed by 6 or so, and get up at 630, which leaves me little to no time with him outside of daycare.  Avery gets up earlier and stays up later, so I do get time with her.

I had a funny conversation with Avery today.  Funny, in and of itself, that I had a conversation... but it went something like this:
Me (to Asher): Hello pumpkin!
Avery: No, Avery puntin.
Me: Avery's my pumpkin?
Avery: dah
Me: Asher's not my pumpkin?
Avery: No, Avery puntin.
Me: Is Asher my muffin?
Avery: uuuuummmmmm, no.  Daddy.
Me: Daddy's my muffin?
Avery: dah
Me: What is Asher?
Avery: puntin
Me:  Is Asher my pumpkin too?
Avery: dah

What a hoot!  I can't believe how much she's talking and how well I usually can understand her.  It's hard to believe that Asher will be following her soon.  His babyhood is flying by much faster than Avery's seemed to.