Catching up

I haven't written in a long time, which bums me out. I want to remember everything that Avery's doing, and how old she was when she was doing it. 

At four and a half months she was sitting up. She toppled over quite a bit at first, but now at six months she's doing much better. She's still not rolled over, but don't think that's a problem. I'm trying to get her on her tummy to practice holding herself up and hopefully she'll be inspired to crawl pretty soon. 

She's also been eating solid foods. Well, they're not solid to me, but they're not breastmilk which I guess is what qualifies something as a solid (as opposed to its physical state). I tried rice cereal first just after four months, then oat cereal (which she seemed to like a bit better). We've tried squash and peas and found out that she absolutely loves sweet potatoes. I'm hoping that she I don't have to feed her formula ever. I initially wanted to breastfeed for six months, but am starting to actually enjoy it a bit. Now that six months is here I think I can go longer. 

I'm not sure if this is a good day to write or a bad one. I'm a bit emotional, so am feeling a lot of things. In a way that's good so I can get things down on paper (so to speak)... in a way that can be bad to have a record of sometimes! 

I am struggling with the idea of having Avery in daycare. I miss her so much every day that I sit in my office and cry. It's not getting better, and seems to be getting worse. I'm not so much worried about her as I am me... I feel like I am missing out on so many things. It's just not natural for a mom to be away from her baby for so long, I'm convinced. I wish things were different so that I could stay home, or at least more than I do now. I know she's being taken care of, but want to do it myself and it tears me up that I can't. Then Jamie talks about wanting to have another one. It would cost twice as much in daycare and I would feel twice as badly -- I can't imagine that. 

We are moving to our new house soon. I haven't started to pack and I need to. I want things to be nice when we live there. I have worries though. I worry how I'm going to adjust to living with other people. Boy people. I'm worried that we won't have enough money to make our bills. I'm worried that I will hate living so far out of town. I want to make it nice, but worry that I won't be able to do everything I want to do. I need to give these things over to God, but am having a difficult time because I don't feel deserving. This happens when I don't go to church more often and start feeling disconnected. I want to go to church as a family but can't (and don't want to) force Jamie into going if he doesn't want to. I then wonder what kind of a Christian life I can show my daughter as she grows up and it makes me sad. 

Sometimes when I get to feeling down I have a difficult time remembering and dwelling on the good things. I think today is one of those days. 

I do love my Avery Rose and look forward to every minute I get to spend with her. Usually that's only a few hours in the evenings (unless, like last night she falls asleep too early-- which might be why I feel sad today), but even when she's sleeping I can lay next to her and kiss her warm little hands and feet and stroke her sweet head. Just before I go to sleep at night I pick her up from my bed and feed her. I love the way she barely wakes up before opening her mouth to eat. When she's finished she's sleepy and limp and I hold her and feel the weight of her on my shoulder and hear her breathing.

Well, back to work now. I'm working on a book chapter that turned out to be a little more work than I planned. It's also sounding better than I thought it might. I collected grey treefrog tadpoles today to send to a colleague... at least it got me in the field for a little while, which was good... wet pants notwithstanding.